Raging Fits of Happiness

The things that light my soul on fire.

Relapse: Family Edition

When I told my parents I was pregnant, I knew they were smoking spice. That night, I let them know they would get to be sober if they wanted to be in this child’s life. There is no wiggle room. I’ve already experienced that kind of pain and I will NOT put my child through that. 

My dad has been asking for grand babies for years. He doesn’t want the drugs and drama in life, he’s done that for too long. He thought things would be different when my mom got out of prison after a year, but things went right back to normal and he’s a really passive person, so he keeps letting it happen. He keeps buying her spice so she won’t bitch and moan. He’s not even happy. I think on some level he thinks this is what he deserves. Well, I get to really drill it into his head that he is WORTHY of so much more. He is worthy of happiness and peace, and he’s worthy of this grand baby. 

When we have the recording of the heartbeat, I’m going to play it for them. Really, it’s just for him because I don’t think my mom will change until everyone has abandoned her. I’m going to press play and let him know that will be one of the last things I’m going to say, and that I’m not playing around. If he wants to see and hold the baby making that heartbeat, he gets to be clean. Whether it’s with or without mommy. He can either be comfortable with the woman who continues to bring him down, or he can be comfortable holding his first grandchild. 

There is no wiggle room.

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10 Weeks

So, Travis and I went to orientation at a Birthing Center today. It was freakin’ packed. 

There were certain things that made it a little more real for me. They said something about encouraging the partner to “catch” the baby, and it just kind of blew my mind that for one, we’re having a baby, and two, he can be the first person that touches it ever. It just blows my mind! I’m so excited. There’s going to be a lot of learning to do, and I just can’t wait. We have a ton of books and we’ll get more, I’m sure. 

I actually think I’m going to read some right now. 

Maybe in a few minutes… So I think it’s funny that I look slightly pregnant right now. I’m too early to be really showing, but it’s normal for woman to look a little bigger, because hormones cause all kinds of gastrointestinal distress that can cause bloating. Soooo sexy, right? Haha. I have heard a lot that I’m glowing though. So that’s always nice, considering I feel like momzilla. 

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Big News!

I feel like I’ve been starting every post I make with something about how I haven’t posted in a while. I apologize for that. I’ve been so caught up in my own shit, and well, for the last 2 months I’ve been feeling extra fucking crazy. About 7 weeks to be exact. 

Now, I’m actually almost 10 weeks pregnant, but I didn’t start feeling crazy until the egg was fertilized. 

BUT, YEAH, I’m PREGNANT! I should probably get used to not cursing soon. 

My partner and I are excited, and it’s still a lot to take in. Especially since I’m producing so many hormones, my IQ has actually dropped a few points. My boyfriend is really supportive, even though I make so many moments harder because I’m upset about the way something was said, or how I don’t feel pretty enough. God. It’s like I’ve just reverted back to the teenage years, full of angst and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. 

It’s funny because I made up a lot about how I would feel when I got pregnant. Now, maybe I’ll feel like that once my body chills out and the placenta starts taking over some of the hormone production, but that time is not here just yet. I want to start a separate blog about pregnancy and motherhood. I’m going to be doing things as natural as is reasonable, hopefully. I still get to go to an orientation at a birthing center and see if that’s where I want to go, but I definitely see the value in a lot of holistic things, like delayed cord clamping, for example. It’s so fascinating to me that we literally cut off access to a third of the infant’s blood, since it’s still in the placenta for at least a few minutes after the placenta is birthed. 

Anyways, this is an update post, and I plan on posting a lot more because in the times that I feel like I’m all over the place, posting about it and just having people read it and care helps a bit. So, thank you.

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A Match Made in Heaven 

So, while I don’t think you should get with someone JUST based on their genitals, I don’t think people really consider how well their partner is actually fit for them, sexually. Sometimes it might be uncomfortable to have sex if the person you’re sleeping with is too big for you, or maybe a bit unfulfilling if they’re too small. Now, I’m speaking from a female’s point of view in a heterosexual relationship. The adjectives might change depending on what relationship you’re in. 

If they’re too big, you might be able to make it work…if they’re present to your reactions and requests. Not everyone wants a bruised cervix. Depending on how hard you go, that might happen anyway but the occasional soreness isn’t too bad. 

However, I am happy to have found the perfect sexual match for me. He fills me up without hesitation, and the beautiful shape of his cock is as if it was made specially, for me. 

The fact that our love languages are the same, I’m always in the mood because I always feel loved and cared for. Not to mention he just got these sexy underwear. The shorter boxer briefs with the wide band. Mmm. Him wearing those underwear is my kryptonite. 

So, I guess the moral of the story is know your preference. If you love someone and they’re a different size than you, just voice your needs. Maybe don’t go full tilt, or if it’s on the other end of the spectrum, try some different positions or request movements that you like best. Don’t silence yourself in the bedroom, because chances are, when you’re enjoying it more, so are they. ;D Happy Valentine’s Day. 

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Unconditional Love

So, I’ve realized some awesome breakthroughs I have had in the last year. Being with Travis again, and learning to live with someone who still gets to overcome addiction entirely, and really it’s never about the substance, it’s about a deeper feeling. Sometimes people feel helpless, or they feel they’re not good enough and create situations to prove the ego right. 

Being able to ask how I can support him, instead of being vindictive and mean, is something he hasn’t experienced, and neither have I. It’s truly beautiful to be able to accept all of someone, and not just the easy-to-love parts, is a whole new level of love. I can truly say that I love him more than I ever have loved anyone. 

Travis is my best friend and as long as he shows effort and intention of opening up and trusting me when he needs to talk about stuff that isn’t the most fun to talk to, I will be with him. We are an amazing team with similar goals in life/the world, and a lot of history. 

Unconditional love is forgiveness, acceptance, service, gratitude, joy, and support. Oh yeah, and totally awesome sex. 😉

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Aldult Swim in a Sea of Blankets

So many nights when we get home late, I turn on adult swim and we watch cartoons for a little bit. Swimming in a sea of blankets and my favorite sheet, we cuddle and vape, with the occasional pause to talk about some random thought one of us had. It’s one of my favorite times of day, because it’s time we get to be alone and wind down. Of course, sometimes, we might not watch that much TV (due to being immersed in some throws of passion) but it’s always a peaceful time of our day. 

I am grateful for the time we spend hanging out with friends, especially since being around a bunch of people recharges me in a way, but I’ve become even more fond of this calm alone time. When you’re spending it with your best friend, it’s always the most perfect blessing. 

On a side note, it’s extremely windy in our town right now, and there was a tornado watch. I’m not sure if it’s still in effect, but it’s probably possible. The wind is whistling outside our window. 

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. I know I did. Does anyone that reads this live near St. Petersburg? Aside from Josh. 🙂

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I Hear You

There was a moment in the car last night that really crystallized for me. I was playing music and I played a song that makes me think of Travis, and he got all inspired and played a song that reminds him of me. There were parts of the song that I hadn’t fully listened to until that moment, and when I heard a certain line I looked at him. He was looking right back at me with so much excitement and adoration. I really felt the love. 

Ever since we first started hanging out 4 years ago, he always had a perfect song for every moment. I could tell you our entire playlist from when we moved across the country together. It’s full of songs that will forever be solidified in my memory. Songs that I’ve never stopped listening to. Now I’m grateful that I get to add more songs to that list. 

It’s totally perfect because he is ALWAYS listening to music, and I’ve gotten the feedback that I am music personified. 

I definitely feel heard. Like, we were sitting at Bula, on the deck, each of us reading separate books, and I placed my bookmark and put my hand on my book and looked at him. He immediately looked up and said, “Yes?” I just had a thought I wanted to share with him and he was so ready to just listen. I appreciate that so much because I feel like for a lot of my life my voice didn’t get heard or acknowledged, so when people, especially my partner wants to hear what I have to say, it honors me. It makes me feel as important as I know I am, as important as everyone is. 

Everyone deserves to feel heard. 

Well, we’re off to go meet up with his mom and sisters. I’m totally gonna write more later, because I have a lot to say about a lot of stuff. I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful day. 

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I Must Remember

I must remember my power, my grace, and my worthiness. 

Whenever something shows up in my space, it’s because I created it. This is not from a place of blame, but a sense of ownership. I am not a victim to my circumstances. Things in life happen and I can either choose to obsess over them, or I can choose to handle them. I can choose resistance, or I can go with the flow. I can choose victimhood or I can choose power. 

Today, I choose power. At least I do now. I wasn’t choosing that earlier. 

I acknowledge my own grace, strength, and worthiness. I am good enough.
And so are you.

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Something Beautiful

I’ve been trying to think of a title for this, and I’ve had a few kind of pass through my mind so quickly that I couldn’t register them.

I guess fast-paced is how I’m doing things right now.

So, first off I’d like to apologize for the lack of posts in recent months. I’d also like to THANK those of whom have continued to follow me. It means a lot to know I basically have a crew of people who are reading my stuff and, kind of, in a way rooting for me.

As many of you know, Chris and I were kind of on and off throughout our relationship. From the other side of the internet, it might have seemed like we worked through everything. Well, there were several differences in our life paths that just didn’t match up and I was tired of trying to pretend they would.

We broke up a weekish, week and a half ago. About two weeks ago, my best friend, and ex, Travis, got out of jail. I received a text and was SUPER excited to be able to talk to him. As friends. I mean, we had one issue in our relationship, and while it was something that sucked balls, I could have handled it a lot differently. Now I have the tools to approach anything like that with more poise.

I was making a lot of stuff up about myself, and jumping back into a pseudo-relationship so quickly after a break up, but I got off that pretty quickly because of how perfect it felt, and feels. I’m the only one that can choose what I do, and who I’m with.  I think since I’ve learned how to truly forgive, and deal with things in more productive ways, the only shred of doubt I had in my mind was quickly replaced by so much gratitude at the relationship we had/have, even as friends. We started out as friends, for a short while at least, but we know more about each other than most humans know about another. Down to reading each other’s minds. Today alone, we’ve responded to the other’s thoughts, 3 or 4 times each… like a solid and exact response or action in response. It has been craaaazy. Our visions for the world are basically the same, and so are our mentalities. We love a lot of the same music, and are great people persons. Just, so many of the things are perfect. We flow together in such true symbiosis.

So yeah. This has been a great holiday, and it will continue to be. 2017, bring it on. 🙂

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Heavy Blankets of Apathy

I’m generally a pretty happy person, but sometimes I get caught up in feeling overwhelmed. I’ve experienced a lot of pain in my life, as I’m sure many people have. I try to stay open all the time, but the part of me that is tired of feeling pain puts up these huge walls, which don’t let any good in either. They’re also really hard to climb. So, when I have things to do it’s really hard for me to get out of that fortress my mind builds. 

I don’t really know where this is going, but I know sometimes other people relate, and I guess I needed to get it out there. I feel overwhelmed and small. I know being present is how to help anxiety, but I didn’t build any windows in my fortress. 

If you guys could send me some good vibes, that’d be awesome. 

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