Raging Fits of Happiness

The things that light my soul on fire.

Ramble

So I said before that I would continue writing on here. I’ve found myself only writing on MildlyCrunchyMommy, and I also kind of see the different voice I use. I’m not sure if that’s because I am thinking differently because I’m not clouded by the angst I was holding onto so dearly, or if it’s because my focus has just shifted. It might be a little bit of both.

Since I’ve become pregnant, I’ve had stressful and emotional times, and instead of running away from them and writing about it, or feeling hopeless and writing about it, I’ve faced them head on, and with a powerful stance. It’s almost as if I’m planting my feet saying, “No, this gets to be handled,” and it just gets handled because I’m no shit committed to making sure everything in my space is in my best interest (for baby).

Well, since my last post, we’ve gotten to hear the heartbeat!!! It was the trippiest, most beautiful moment of my life so far. I’m sure I’ll be saying that again when I see the ultrasound in about a month, and then when I meet them in a few more months.

It’s insane to me that the female body takes two tiny ingredients, and in 40 weeks, makes an ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. It trips me out to think about it. Tomorrow is 4 months(16 weeks) and I’m finally starting to really show. I wouldn’t say I’ve popped yet, and it either definitely looks like I got a beer belly or am pregnant. More so pregnant because I’m all glowy. 🙂

Well, if you guys would like to continue supporting me and reading my stuff as I continue going through this crazy process of life, come on over to my new blog!

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The Birth of a Blog

About the birth of a baby.

I’m 14 1/2 weeks pregnant and I decided I would make a separate blog for my pregnant and mother related stuff, especially since we plan on doing things differently than a lot of parents, and similarly to a bunch of crunchy parents. Not, tooootally crunchy, though.

I figured I could sort out my mainly mommy stuff for now. Eventually, I have a feeling everything is going to be somewhat mommy related.

I’m super committed to writing every single day because I bought the domain name and hosting. When I get a little bit more money I’m going to get premium so I can do more and teach myself how to code.

The money will get to come in time (and I’m open to it being a small amount of time) because I just worked my last shift at my job. I’ve still been using small amounts of kratom to help with my arthritic pain, because I still needed to function and be able to stand for long periods of time. While I still would like to keep that level of functionality, I get to explore other options of anti-inflammation and pain relief that are already studied in the US, in order to stay at the birthing center. If after a month of working out and stretching and drinking nettles and other things that should help, if I’m still at a level 8 pain on the daily, I’m going to consider switching to a hospital with a birthing center.

We will see how it goes. I would love to experience freedom from pain. Granted, I know as I get bigger I’ll start to feel other sorts of uncomfort, and those are welcomed compared to chronic joint pain.

All in all, I have faith that it will work out no matter what, and I will have even more faith when we hear the baby’s heartbeat in 5 days!

The new blog!

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Relapse: Family Edition

When I told my parents I was pregnant, I knew they were smoking spice. That night, I let them know they would get to be sober if they wanted to be in this child’s life. There is no wiggle room. I’ve already experienced that kind of pain and I will NOT put my child through that. 

My dad has been asking for grand babies for years. He doesn’t want the drugs and drama in life, he’s done that for too long. He thought things would be different when my mom got out of prison after a year, but things went right back to normal and he’s a really passive person, so he keeps letting it happen. He keeps buying her spice so she won’t bitch and moan. He’s not even happy. I think on some level he thinks this is what he deserves. Well, I get to really drill it into his head that he is WORTHY of so much more. He is worthy of happiness and peace, and he’s worthy of this grand baby. 

When we have the recording of the heartbeat, I’m going to play it for them. Really, it’s just for him because I don’t think my mom will change until everyone has abandoned her. I’m going to press play and let him know that will be one of the last things I’m going to say, and that I’m not playing around. If he wants to see and hold the baby making that heartbeat, he gets to be clean. Whether it’s with or without mommy. He can either be comfortable with the woman who continues to bring him down, or he can be comfortable holding his first grandchild. 

There is no wiggle room.

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10 Weeks

So, Travis and I went to orientation at a Birthing Center today. It was freakin’ packed. 

There were certain things that made it a little more real for me. They said something about encouraging the partner to “catch” the baby, and it just kind of blew my mind that for one, we’re having a baby, and two, he can be the first person that touches it ever. It just blows my mind! I’m so excited. There’s going to be a lot of learning to do, and I just can’t wait. We have a ton of books and we’ll get more, I’m sure. 

I actually think I’m going to read some right now. 

Maybe in a few minutes… So I think it’s funny that I look slightly pregnant right now. I’m too early to be really showing, but it’s normal for woman to look a little bigger, because hormones cause all kinds of gastrointestinal distress that can cause bloating. Soooo sexy, right? Haha. I have heard a lot that I’m glowing though. So that’s always nice, considering I feel like momzilla. 

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Big News!

I feel like I’ve been starting every post I make with something about how I haven’t posted in a while. I apologize for that. I’ve been so caught up in my own shit, and well, for the last 2 months I’ve been feeling extra fucking crazy. About 7 weeks to be exact. 

Now, I’m actually almost 10 weeks pregnant, but I didn’t start feeling crazy until the egg was fertilized. 

BUT, YEAH, I’m PREGNANT! I should probably get used to not cursing soon. 

My partner and I are excited, and it’s still a lot to take in. Especially since I’m producing so many hormones, my IQ has actually dropped a few points. My boyfriend is really supportive, even though I make so many moments harder because I’m upset about the way something was said, or how I don’t feel pretty enough. God. It’s like I’ve just reverted back to the teenage years, full of angst and ready to cry at the drop of a hat. 

It’s funny because I made up a lot about how I would feel when I got pregnant. Now, maybe I’ll feel like that once my body chills out and the placenta starts taking over some of the hormone production, but that time is not here just yet. I want to start a separate blog about pregnancy and motherhood. I’m going to be doing things as natural as is reasonable, hopefully. I still get to go to an orientation at a birthing center and see if that’s where I want to go, but I definitely see the value in a lot of holistic things, like delayed cord clamping, for example. It’s so fascinating to me that we literally cut off access to a third of the infant’s blood, since it’s still in the placenta for at least a few minutes after the placenta is birthed. 

Anyways, this is an update post, and I plan on posting a lot more because in the times that I feel like I’m all over the place, posting about it and just having people read it and care helps a bit. So, thank you.

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A Match Made in Heaven 

So, while I don’t think you should get with someone JUST based on their genitals, I don’t think people really consider how well their partner is actually fit for them, sexually. Sometimes it might be uncomfortable to have sex if the person you’re sleeping with is too big for you, or maybe a bit unfulfilling if they’re too small. Now, I’m speaking from a female’s point of view in a heterosexual relationship. The adjectives might change depending on what relationship you’re in. 

If they’re too big, you might be able to make it work…if they’re present to your reactions and requests. Not everyone wants a bruised cervix. Depending on how hard you go, that might happen anyway but the occasional soreness isn’t too bad. 

However, I am happy to have found the perfect sexual match for me. He fills me up without hesitation, and the beautiful shape of his cock is as if it was made specially, for me. 

The fact that our love languages are the same, I’m always in the mood because I always feel loved and cared for. Not to mention he just got these sexy underwear. The shorter boxer briefs with the wide band. Mmm. Him wearing those underwear is my kryptonite. 

So, I guess the moral of the story is know your preference. If you love someone and they’re a different size than you, just voice your needs. Maybe don’t go full tilt, or if it’s on the other end of the spectrum, try some different positions or request movements that you like best. Don’t silence yourself in the bedroom, because chances are, when you’re enjoying it more, so are they. ;D Happy Valentine’s Day. 

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Unconditional Love

So, I’ve realized some awesome breakthroughs I have had in the last year. Being with Travis again, and learning to live with someone who still gets to overcome addiction entirely, and really it’s never about the substance, it’s about a deeper feeling. Sometimes people feel helpless, or they feel they’re not good enough and create situations to prove the ego right. 

Being able to ask how I can support him, instead of being vindictive and mean, is something he hasn’t experienced, and neither have I. It’s truly beautiful to be able to accept all of someone, and not just the easy-to-love parts, is a whole new level of love. I can truly say that I love him more than I ever have loved anyone. 

Travis is my best friend and as long as he shows effort and intention of opening up and trusting me when he needs to talk about stuff that isn’t the most fun to talk to, I will be with him. We are an amazing team with similar goals in life/the world, and a lot of history. 

Unconditional love is forgiveness, acceptance, service, gratitude, joy, and support. Oh yeah, and totally awesome sex. 😉

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Aldult Swim in a Sea of Blankets

So many nights when we get home late, I turn on adult swim and we watch cartoons for a little bit. Swimming in a sea of blankets and my favorite sheet, we cuddle and vape, with the occasional pause to talk about some random thought one of us had. It’s one of my favorite times of day, because it’s time we get to be alone and wind down. Of course, sometimes, we might not watch that much TV (due to being immersed in some throws of passion) but it’s always a peaceful time of our day. 

I am grateful for the time we spend hanging out with friends, especially since being around a bunch of people recharges me in a way, but I’ve become even more fond of this calm alone time. When you’re spending it with your best friend, it’s always the most perfect blessing. 

On a side note, it’s extremely windy in our town right now, and there was a tornado watch. I’m not sure if it’s still in effect, but it’s probably possible. The wind is whistling outside our window. 

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend. I know I did. Does anyone that reads this live near St. Petersburg? Aside from Josh. 🙂

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I Hear You

There was a moment in the car last night that really crystallized for me. I was playing music and I played a song that makes me think of Travis, and he got all inspired and played a song that reminds him of me. There were parts of the song that I hadn’t fully listened to until that moment, and when I heard a certain line I looked at him. He was looking right back at me with so much excitement and adoration. I really felt the love. 

Ever since we first started hanging out 4 years ago, he always had a perfect song for every moment. I could tell you our entire playlist from when we moved across the country together. It’s full of songs that will forever be solidified in my memory. Songs that I’ve never stopped listening to. Now I’m grateful that I get to add more songs to that list. 

It’s totally perfect because he is ALWAYS listening to music, and I’ve gotten the feedback that I am music personified. 

I definitely feel heard. Like, we were sitting at Bula, on the deck, each of us reading separate books, and I placed my bookmark and put my hand on my book and looked at him. He immediately looked up and said, “Yes?” I just had a thought I wanted to share with him and he was so ready to just listen. I appreciate that so much because I feel like for a lot of my life my voice didn’t get heard or acknowledged, so when people, especially my partner wants to hear what I have to say, it honors me. It makes me feel as important as I know I am, as important as everyone is. 

Everyone deserves to feel heard. 

Well, we’re off to go meet up with his mom and sisters. I’m totally gonna write more later, because I have a lot to say about a lot of stuff. I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful day. 

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I Must Remember

I must remember my power, my grace, and my worthiness. 

Whenever something shows up in my space, it’s because I created it. This is not from a place of blame, but a sense of ownership. I am not a victim to my circumstances. Things in life happen and I can either choose to obsess over them, or I can choose to handle them. I can choose resistance, or I can go with the flow. I can choose victimhood or I can choose power. 

Today, I choose power. At least I do now. I wasn’t choosing that earlier. 

I acknowledge my own grace, strength, and worthiness. I am good enough.
And so are you.

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