Ghost

I was having an amazing day, feeling overjoyed and giggly like I usually do, and I had recently decided I would go to the next Gratitude Training. I spent all day talking to people about their experiences, not in detail because it’s kind of secret, and I was excited to see Gabi approaching me. 

Then someone walked in. Their facial structure was so similar to someone that I once knew, or thought I knew. It’s been nearly ten years since I really saw him up close. I panicked. I told Gabi that it would be a second until I could really be present in our conversation. I think she saw the anxiety in my eyes. She walked up to the bar, passing where he was, while I stood there like a deer in the headlights. She asked if I was drinking kava, and I responded with a strong yes and walked to the bar. I kept trying to tell if it was him, but I didn’t have the balls to ask him for his name. I feel bad for him if he wasn’t because I was probably looking at him with ten years of pain. 

After he left it brought me to an even further realization, that if I want to gain anything from gratitude training, is to really get through the emotions that have been caused by being raped by someone who I thought was a friend. It has been almost a decade, and I still can’t escape the occasional flashback, or a cringe when someone mentions the name Jeremy without a last name. 

I am thankful that I’ve been through everything I’ve been through in my life, because it has made me a stronger person. I just don’t think I’ve allowed myself to fully feel the emotions I’ve had over the years. Every time I got sad I would slice my arm open. Any time I got angry, I would harm myself. I dodged my emotions for so long that if someone cracked open my box of memories, I freak out. That’s one of the main reasons I stopped drinking. Alcohol is a bulldozer to my walls. I have so many demons hiding on the other side of that emotional barrier, that even though I have accepted them, they still hurt. You can forgive all you want, and it still hurts. Maybe I just haven’t been fully forgiving, I just keep telling myself I am. 

So, from what I’ve been hearing, Gratitude training is a lot of letting your emotions out, and being vulnerable. Also letting go of your need to control. I definitely know I have an issue with needing to be in control. I weave in and out of the state of mind that lets the universe take control. Usually, I start thinking that way again when some crazy synchronicity happens, and over time I go back to my less inspired thinking. When I think about it it’s logical thinking, even though I have seen so many things that completely dispute the fact that we are in control. We do have control over how we respond to things, but ultimitely the unvierse knocks over whatever dominoes it sees fit. Even my addiction to cutting was about control. I wanted to be in control of my pain. 

If I gain anything from Gratitude Training, I want it to be freedom from the pain of my past. 

I can’t counsel rape survivors if I still go into full-fledged breakdowns when I remember my experience. 

I can’t give advice to cutters if I still don’t see anything that wrong with it. I realize it’s unhealthy way of pretending to cope, but I would still do it for fun if I didn’t care about seeing people sad. 

I want to help change the world, and if that’s what they’re trying to do at Gratitude Training, then I want to learn more. I want to talk to the person in charge, and I want to know how they plan on changing the world. It’s already had such a profound effect on my friends, and I’m a firm believer in changing the world one person at a time. HMM. I kind of wish Part 1 was sooner than it is. I’m sure the time will fly by.

On the subject of gratitude, I am grateful for the people in my life, even if sometimes I don’t want to be around them. I know so many amazing people, and without them I would probably still be in a few shitty life situations. 

I love every one reading this. We are all flying around space on this big ball together. Don’t forget to show compassion. ❤ 

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