Raging Fits of Happiness

The things that light my soul on fire.

I’ll Go to Sleep After This

on March 1, 2016

So, the other day Jay and I started talking about traveling. Well, I brought up some places I want to go and told him I’d love to bring him. After like the 3rd or 4th place I mentioned throughout the week, he said, “Holy shit.” I asked him what he was holy shitting, and he responded, “I just recently had a conversation with a friend and he asked me what do you want, what’s your next step? I told him I want to find a girl I can be with. Travel. Experience the world…Boom.” So when I wrote my new 90 day goal list, I put some steps to us going on an out of country excursion. So, here I am at almost 2 in the morning, and all I can think about is how excited I am to be with him, and how excited I am to travel with him and experience the world. And to experience him. In like a purely playful and loving way. I want to support him with anything he wants to do, and I want to share with him my thoughts and dreams and go on dates with him and hold his hand. I want to write him a million songs, none of them being too alike. I want to volunteer with him countless times, and stand for a transformed world by being in a transformed relationship. I want to make videos of our travel and have him edit them together with all of his film school knowledge. I want to be his ten girlfriend. I am committed to being a ten for him. Not just in looks, but in an all around, all encompassing way. I want to love him in the way he receives love, and I want to give him room to grow, and nurture him when he needs nurturing. I want to be his safe place. I want him to know that his heart is in good hands with me. I want to show him what love can be. What love is. I want him to know I always have his back. I am going to treat him like a king, because he deserves it. We our going to fill our passports and spread love and gratitude around the globe. :O I just had an idea. So, the founder of the Gratitude Training I’ve been doing, created something called TOFA, they’re actual Tokens of Appreciation, and just like those where’s George bills, they have little tracking numbers and a website you can go and track them. I want to hand at least one out in every country we go to. I’m going to cry. I’m so happy to be standing in the possibilities of us as a couple. We both care so deeply about people, and both have so much to offer the world, I can only imagine what we’ll accomplish, with each other, and with humanity as a whole. And I know one day I’m going to be a mom. I have’t spoken to him about this yet, at least not in an I’m seeing you so I have thought about having kids with you way, but I might have mentioned it in conversation about how one day I’m going to be an awesome mom. Well, I used to think that I wanted to have a child of my own DNA and then adopt one, well, it just kind of struck me that I wouldn’t mind solely adopting children, and waiting a while to have them. I’m not so attached to the idea of passing on my DNA or having a child that is ‘a combination of me and the person I love’ so much as I just want to grow and nurture a child with all of the love ever. Especially since gratitude training, I think I am much more equipped to parent a child. Not saying I want one yet, but I am saying that I have more tools in my chest than I ever did before. If he hasn’t thought about having kids yet, or doesn’t want any, I think I will find a way to either enroll him in the possibility or help kids no matter what. Sometimes I think it might look bad that I’ve been thinking about this and it’s still so early in our relationship, but then to me, it’s like, if I’m in a relationship, I’m looking towards the long distance future. Granted, in the past I haven’t been 100% committed with people, not that I was unfaithful, I just didn’t put in the work that one should put into a long term relationship. Now that I have a new understanding of commitment and love and how I usually do things, a new awareness, I know I can make any relationship work, especially if it happens to be someone who has similar goals and vision for the world/life. And someone who is willing to support my growth and be open, honest, vulnerable, and caring. Someone who is constantly looking to grow, and learn, and be in service to humanity.  [nailed it]  So yeah, I’ve thought about our future a lot farther down the line than next week. I also can’t wait to volunteer with him and his best friends, so they can see me in action and give me the stamp of approval (which I’m not worried about in the least since I know my intentions) because that matters. He loves his friends and they love him. Sometimes we’ve got to have someone make sure our blind spots are clear. God, I can’t wait to sing him his songs. I can’t fucking wait. 

I’m actually almost tired enough to pass out now. Thank you for reading if you read all that, and thank you WordPress for existing so I may let the world witness my thoughts. 😛

I love everyone reading this, no matter who you are, you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Sweet dreams.


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