Raging Fits of Happiness

The things that light my soul on fire.

A Stark Reminder

on May 1, 2016

So, I’ve been visiting my hometown for the past day and a half, and last night my dad said I couldn’t stay over. Whatever, I’m glad we didn’t because Ceelo and I got a hotel room and had a lot of fun. Well, tonight, we’re staying at my dad’s house. My dad has notoriously been a really clean person, like so much so that even when I’m slightly messy he gets at me. The house is in dis array. The only dishes are dirty and the only towels are, for some reason, piled in the back of the shower, which is also dirty. To me, after what I’ve known my dad to do, this is like a million red flags. My dad is a crackhead. A while back he claimed to have just kind of stopped, when the only way he ever has, has been because of being locked up. He’s never quit just because. I thought he might be doing it less frequently, but in the past month or so my intuition has been screaming at me that he’s using again, even though I’ve been living on the other side of Florida. And it’s like, yeah him using doesn’t directly affect me anymore, and I still care about his health and his life. 

My dad is a different person when he’s using. I guess I still have some shit I’ve gotta clear off from that one time he flipped out. I feel like without my mom here instigating he’d never get to that point again, and who knows-because if you’re experiencing psychosis because you’ve been up for 3 days smoking rock, you’re not exactly thinking clearly. 

I’m sick to my stomach. And it’s bringing back the memories of that night when I found out he was using too. A week after I found out Terry was using. Fuck that whole mother fucking month. I thought I had learned how to not let the fact that people do drugs affect me, and clearly I didn’t master that. I guess it’s different when you’re in the house with the person. Kind of like if you stay living with someone you just broke up with. It’s like it’s flashing the wound in front of your face so you can’t exactly cope with it. Healthily, at least. And I feel like I’m holding a lot in right now and I’ve got that really numb oh-no-I’m-gonna-do-something-stupid-and-harmful feeling but I definitely don’t want to do that, and I have Ceelo here being the most loving and caring friend/boyfriend/rock. Maybe rock wasn’t the best choice of words, haha. I just wanna smoke a bunch of cigarettes, and at the same time I give a shit about my voice so idk. If I smoked one night I’d be fine, and going to the store and actually purchasing cigarettes is an ordeal right now. 
But seriously, fuck. 

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One response to “A Stark Reminder

  1. Nafees says:

    even you lived with dad 😀 seriously. Thats so nice I THINK.

    Like

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